I won't give up
by PaigeAspinall
Summary: A Zayn Malik one-shot you won't regret reading...I promise!
1. Chapter 1

**I won't give up:- Chapter 1**

I guess you could say I was the 'normal teenager'. Getting angry from now and then, having random crushes on random boys, staying up till all hours then sleeping in the morning, eating junk food then crying for not being 'perfect'? Yeah...normal. Every morning I would walk down stairs, grab a cereal bar then go back upstairs to get ready for school. I would do my usual makeup routine before being shouted down stairs for a lift off my mum to school. School, like for every other kid in my year, would feel like death. Counting the hours from the moment I walk through the door until I walk back out of it, school was the best years of our lives? Who said that? Every day in year 11 I would either stay behind doing more work or waiting for friends, but eventually I would get home only to be greeted by the one and only person that ever really mattered to me. My beautiful boyfriend, Zayn. He was 1 year and 4months older than me, but that didn't matter. You know why? We loved each other, and it wasn't just some little kid love or something you would say to your granddad. It was real; we had been through everything together and still came out smiling. He loved me, I loved him. Now, I know you might be thinking this is going to be yet another sloppy love story were they fall in love and love each other forever and ever, amen! It's not. I hope I could say it was, but it's not. As a matter of fact, this story is far far from anything sloppy! Going back to when I first met Zayn. It was a Tuesday morning, 9:34am. I was late to school as was he. We walked into the front yard of the school, made that awkward eye contact, and then carried on walking. I knew him and I hoped that he knew me. I wouldn't say either of us was popular nor un-popular, just normal I guess? I was in year 9 at the time and Zayn was in year 10, so we didn't really see each-other much outside or around school. The only time I could really get to look at him was at break, the time when the whole school was cramped into one room and you're still expected to breathe. The possibilities of me trying to find him were endless, so of course, in the end I just gave up. That was until I heard a couple of my friends were having a party, a big party at that matter and she had invited the whole school. Whether Zayn would turn up I didn't know but I went anyway. I remember getting ready for the party and going there but I don't really remember anything else, but of course I have pictures to show me what and why I can't remember.

After seeing each other for 7 months, Zayn finally asked me to be his girlfriend. You know that feeling you get when you can't remember what was going on around you, but you knew what was happening? That's the feeling I get when I try to remember that day. Obviously I remember Zayn asking me, that is something I will never forget but, all the time after or before that is just a blur, it's quite sad really. Me and Zayn finally celebrated our 1 year anniversary on 3rd March 2008. The one thing I will never forget is how he looked the night we went out for a meal together. I remember him and his dad picking me up from my house at exactly 7:30pm. He was standing outside of the car waiting for me when I came out, his hair looked the best it had ever looked and his dress sense was outstanding! The whole drive to the restaurant was ever so awkward. Just me, him and his dad with nothing but 'smooth radio' to listen to. No-one would speak and I remember Zayn asking me a number of times if I was ok. When we finally pulled up outside the restaurant, Zayn's dad wished us luck as if we were going in for an exam and hoped everything 'went well'. Which still to this day, I don't understand. Everything from that moment on I don't remember, but again, the pictures I have fill in for the memory I have lost. After being with Zayn for 2 years, everyone would say how we were going to get married and have kids together. We had made plans for that in the future, but for the time being, we wouldn't let anything spoil our childhood. For the first time in a long time I was happy and everyone noticed it. My mum would constantly tell me how lucky I was, with Zayn being my first boyfriend, she thought we would turn out to be a disaster... On the 14th June 2009 Zayn had some very important news for me. As he called me up the night before telling me to meet him in the park the next day, my mind immediately thought we were breaking up. So of-course that night I hardly had any sleep, which made meeting him in the park the next day 10x worse. I met him just like we had arranged and he told me to sit down, making things yet again awkward. He began by saying he loved me and that whatever happened I should know that. This was going to be the ultimate break up. As he continued speaking, I remember thinking for a moment I actually heard my heart shatter into a thousand prices and Zayn was taking every one of them and stamping on them again. Then suddenly I focused back on the conversation again only to hear "...X factor!" I remember seeing Zayn's face go from all excited and happy to looking tearful and surprised. I obviously had no clue what he said so I didn't know how to react. Zayn's audition finally got broadcasted on 19th July and because Zayn kept it a secret from me whether he passed the judges or not I remember being eager to know. He had called me round to his house for 8pm to watch the show at 8:30. Me, his mum, his dad, him and his 3 sisters were all crowded around the small yet powerful TV, waiting for Zayn's audition to be showed. What felt like forever, watching the other contestants as they either got a yes or a no, both me and Zayn were eyeing up the competition. A young boy named 'Harry Styles' had gotten 3 yes' from the judges as did another one named 'Liam Payne'. If Zayn did get though, we all knew it would have been tough. "Yes he is over the moon..." I remember phoning my mum as soon as I found out Zayn got through. I remember sitting there and thinking back to what he had said to me when we were in the park. 'I love you and whatever happens you should know that...' I also remembered thinking whether it was a good thing he had said that or a bad thing. Yet the celebrations went on. Week after week we would all sit round the TV watching as Zayn would get more and more popular each time he was on the screen. I remember this one week Zayn wasn't himself. He was a lot quieter and most of the time wouldn't have a conversation with us. That week we found out that Zayn had got booted off. It was more depressing to find that he was only 1 more audition away from the live shows. Both me and Zayn were gutted and I remember the week after being so hard for him it was un-real.


	2. Chapter 2

**I won't give up:-Chapter 2**

On August 14th, me and Zayn were in my house cleaning around. It was just like a normal Saturday and we were about to go to the cinema when Zayn had a phone call. It must have been important as he had to go into a whole different room to speak. When he came back I remember he was trying to pull off a sad face. I knew he was happy but he wanted me to think otherwise. "I got called back, they want me and a few others to go back and be on the show!" I immediately knew that he was talking about the X factor and that this was something we thought would never happen. On August 17th, Zayn was drove back to the London set of X factor were he was able to be put into a group of 5, and try to work at the 'group' category. I remember first hearing them sing. Zayn, Harry, Liam, Niall and Louis. I thought they sounded so...talented. I wasn't the only one either, after being in the group for 4weeks and the show gaining more viewers, the boys finally knew what it felt like to be famous. To top it off they even had a name. One Direction. It just came to me one night whilst watching 'Mean Girls' over at Zayn's house with him. I knew immediately that should have been their new name. On 17th December 2009, X factor's final was being broadcasted. Instead of being at home, watching it with Zayn or his family, I was there with him. I remember being backstage with him as they were about to go on the stage to get their results. All the boys were nervous, especially Zayn, but he found speaking to me or eating chocolate helped to calm his nerves. I remember telling Zayn exactly what he had told me before any of this even happened '...I love you and whatever happens you should know that...' I like to think that brought him back down to earth now and then. I don't remember much else from that night apart from being over the moon at the fact they finished in 3rd place. For Zayn to come so far and then finish with a result like that was so magical. Yet again, the pictures help me to remember anything that I have One Direction's newly released single out on February 3rd 2010, me, Zayn and the boys all had to celebrate. After all, there wasn't a time where I could get Zayn to himself so I took the opportunity to go out with them. All I remember from that night is Zayn getting incredibly drunk and Harry having to take him home, leaving me to fend for myself having to get a taxi on my own. It seemed like not even a day had passed by since their single had been released and yet they had an album coming out on 3rd March, mine and Zayn's 3 year anniversary. I admit now, it was hard hearing him saying he had to go out with the lads when I really wanted him in with me, but at the time I just seen the funny side of it and said I would see him another day, which was a big mistake. I remember not seeing or hearing from Zayn in 3days, which, I remember, I got very worried over. From going from seeing each other every day to hardly seeing him every week, my attitude and work in school was slipping. Not only was it hard having to put up with the constant hate for being 'Zayn's girl' but it was also hard not having him there to help me through it. I finally cracked on Zayn's birthday, May 14th. When I had spent over £250 on a hot air balloon ride and a picnic to hear him say he 'couldn't make it' was heart breaking. Yes, I understood the fact he was busy, but all I really wanted was some quality time with my boyfriend and not have to ask for it. It was hard for Zayn but he wasn't the only one it was affecting. When Zayn phoned me up on the Saturday after his birthday, May 18th, telling me he was going to Paris, the country of love, with the boys was a disappointment. I expected him to at least invite me. Maybe after all he was thinking of my work in school, but still, he could have waited.


	3. Chapter 3

**I won't give up:-Chapter 3**

Zayn and the boys were back in England on May 30th, the only reason I knew this was down to the local newspaper, also telling me how they 'weren't alone' when going over to Paris. After not hearing from Zayn since 18th May, on June 3rd I read an online article. An interview with the boys and some top company over in Paris. When asked if he was dating anyone, Zayn simply replied 'no, not for the time being.' I actually remembering sitting in my room and crying for hours and hours, re-reading the line that hurt me the most over and over again. How did I not see this coming? Maybe the interview was a fake or a 'fan' had written it expecting me to go into the eye of the public with it the next day. Whether it was true or not, it hurt me...big time! I remember waking up at 12 noon the next morning and no-one was in my house. It was a school day and everyone must have thought I would make my own way there. I didn't. Instead I read the news. Expecting Zayn, someone or something to give me answers, and then as I was just about to give up, I saw it. Something I will never, ever forget. On page 15 of the 'daily star' newspaper was a blown up picture of Zayn, in a night club with 2 other girls. Now, normally that wouldn't bother me. I would think 'he has been with me for almost 4 years now and I know he wouldn't do anything like what this picture is insisting...' but after reading what I read the previous night and having everything on my mind it made me think otherwise. When suddenly my phone broke out in the voice of Zayn, a voice recording he had recorded so I could have it for my ring tone. I answered it and to my surprise, more of Zayn's voice. He began by saying the one thing I had always remembered, "I love you and whatever happens you should know that..." I remember feeling a sudden hate towards his once so friendly voice. The voice I would long to hear first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Why was it his voice? Why was he hurting me like this? Why me and him? I remember sitting in my kitchen and crying like a new born baby whilst he would continue on with his speech of pleading guilty. I actually sat and listened to him going on and on about how it 'wasn't how it looked' and how he was 'out of it'. I couldn't care less whether he was out of it or if he was fully sober, he had lied to me and for the first time in my whole life, he was the one who made me feel worthless and unloved. On June 23rd the boys has listed their first ever tour dates. Something I had helped them get together and something I had been waiting to see fans go crazy over since...forever. The day after they were released, I received a voicemail from Zayn telling me how sorry he was. To be fair, I remember thinking how genuinely sorry he actually sounded but we hadn't spoken in nearly 3weeks and him saying he was 'sorry' wasn't going to make up for that. In my eyes, we were still together, still the same as we were before, except we didn't speak as much as I would have liked to. It was heart-breaking to have to look his mum and dad in the eyes and tell them what I had heard about Zayn. Yet another week had passed and we hadn't even said two words to each other. I used to act as if nothing could faze me. I remember my mum used to ask if I was ok and I would still act as if nothing was happening. She would ask why Zayn wasn't coming round to our house as much and I would say it was down to work, which wasn't a lie. When Zayn didn't call me on our 4 and a half year anniversary I knew that was a sign I needed to do something about it. I couldn't keep expecting him to just quit everything for me, I couldn't keep lying to my mum and lying to myself, I couldn't let my school work go down anymore. I needed to speak to him and I insisted on it that day. At around 4pm I remember going to the flat him ad Harry shared together. I knew he wouldn't be there but I knew someone would be. Whether it was Harry or Louis or even the cleaner, I just needed to know where he was. I marched up to their apartment on the 4th floor and stood outside the door for a few minutes trying to catch my breath and also trying to figure out what I was going to say if it was Zayn who actually opened the door. I knocked. Just a normal 'one two' knock, not showing I was angry but also not showing I was a business man. I stood waiting for what felt like years until the door finally opened and slowly Harry's head popped around the corner. "Ahh...what are you doing here?" Harry tried to make it sound as though he wanted me there but also as if he was surprised. "I'm looking for Zayn!" I remember answering as normal as I could, I remember not wanting Harry to realise I was angry. "Zayn? Has no-one phoned you or anything? Have you not heard?" Harry's voice trembled as he sounded as if he was about to cry. "What? No, no-one has phoned me, in fact I thought my phone was broken at one point. I haven't received a phone call from no-one in the past week!" I tried to make my voice sound as normal as possible but the more I tried, the more I sounded like a teacher shouting at a naughty school kid. "You better come in..." Harry said, whilst showing me the way in and guiding me towards the couch. For the whole time I was there I felt as though I was invading privacy. Not Harry's, Zayn's! As if with me being there and him not, I was doing something bad. Harry continued on, explaining to me what had happened in the club the night the photo got snapped and why Zayn hadn't phoned. I just felt thankful for someone finally giving me the answers I had been waiting to hear forever.


	4. Chapter 4

**I won't give up:-Chapter 4**

On 7th July, I went and visited Zayn in the hospital. He had been in there since the night before our anniversary, which explained the 'no phone call'. As I walked through the front doors of the hospital, I remember feeling regret and sorrow. I didn't know what to do or say when I finally reached Zayn's ward, never-mind his room. The Walls were pasty and White, just like post of the people's faces and there wasn't a sound. I knocked on his door first then entered. I remember having to stand for a few moments at the door before I actually walked further in to the room. My hands were shaking and my mouth was dry, as I didn't know what to expect. I began to walk slowly, further into the room to reveal more that had to been shown. I remember standing there and for a moment because I thought I had walked into the wrong room. Zayn's whole body was covered in bandages. From top to toe there wasn't a space for his skin. What had happened to the man I once loved? His normally stylish hair was deflated and worn out, his eyes and face was unrecognisable and his arms and legs were black. For the days I was supposed to be in school, I stayed at the hospital with Zayn, hoping and praying that he would just come back round. The band wasn't the same without him and so the boys said they wouldn't and couldn't do the tour until he was back. The month of August had come and went and still Zayn hadn't opened his eyes. On November 23rd 2010 the doctors said Zayn had to go in for a life threatening operation. I remember hearing the words 'life threatening' and just blanking out. My mind took me back to when me and Zayn first met and he said we would die together, he said if I jumped, he jumped and that nothing would ever break us. Nothing. Did he mean this as-well? Did he ever think about him dying before me? Did he ever think about me having to go through so much just to be able to come out of it and be happy? Zayn seemed to never think, he was best at living for the moment. I soon got drawn back to what the doctor was saying when I heard people screaming and shouting. "You can make it, you can do this!" I took a deep breathe in, for what was about to happen, no-one could ever have prepared me. "Tell them you will use your blood. You can save him! Either you or him...decide, decide!" people from all angles were shouting random things at me as if I was in a zoo. Different doctors from last time and different colours. Whites turned to Yellows and pail, sad faces turned to happy ones as I gave them what they wanted, what he wanted. It was without hesitation, he needed this. Dabbing off the excess blood, I stood up, dizzy but still ok to walk, I made my way back to where Zayn was. The doctor was putting my blood into his tank, and all of this was just so Zayn could live. I wanted Zayn with me here for the rest of my life, for the rest of his life. Me giving him my blood in order for him to come back to me and we could live happily ever after. I remember thinking all of this as I watched the blood dripping back into Zayn. One drop after another. At the times I was able to sleep, I would dream about me and Zayn. How our life would end up together, how I wish it could be. In my dreams he was a healthy, beautiful man. My man. We lived together in a cottage with our 4 kids. It was amazing. At around 2:14am on 24th November, I woke up to Zayn finally opening his eyes! After all that time this was the one thing I had been waiting for, just to see the light back in his eyes. For the rest of the day, the doctors were trying to get Zayn to speak again. Giving him books to read or cards to look at. He wanted to be an English teacher you know? To think that and now he could hardly read a word. I would read the latest newspaper to him or a book I would get from school, anything to see him smile. What felt like years were only a few weeks and before I knew it, Zayn could finally speak properly. It wasn't long before he was back to his normal, beautiful self and on the 16th December, Zayn was finally let out of hospital. He had to be kept on gas and air but as long as he was home for Christmas I didn't care. After exactly one month of Zayn being out of the hospital he was back in again. This time to do with his liver and the fact he could hardly breathe. Once again I had to face the battle of being by his side alone and keep reminding myself that I loved Zayn. Yes many a times did I think to just end it all? All I had to do was tell the doctors to flick the switch on the machine that was keeping him alive and that would be it. When Zayn came out of the hospital last time, we thought the best thing to do was for me and him to get a house together. Zayn stopped speaking to his mum and dad because they had too many arguments. It would be a bad thing for me to just call either of them up and tell them what was happening with Zayn. It was me that was keeping him alive. Day in day out I would sit there at the side of his bed, hoping and praying this was just another chapter to his long, amazing story. I was sick every day at the site of him being drugged up and by the time I was 18, I looked like 32. Yet my dream of marrying Zayn one day was still in the back of my mind. On March 26th 2011, Zayn was looking better than ever and the doctors finally said he was able to come home. The long nights and painful, early mornings finally paid off and I was the happiest woman on the planet! Just the littlest things at home such as cuddling up to Zayn on the couch or ironing his shirts for him were memorable. Some things I never thought I would be able to get back. Finally Zayn proposed to be on 7th April and we were to get married in late September! Telling my mum everything, after not speaking to her for almost a year was hard, but she finally came around. She was happier than me and couldn't stop saying 'I told you so' and 'what did we all say..' I couldn't wait to get married to Zayn and spend the rest of my life with him. I was 18 but had the mind of a 40 year old. I was so, so mature. How could I not be?


	5. Chapter 5

**I won't give up:-Chapter 5**

2 days after my 19th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I was over the moon but knew I was too young. I still had the rest of my life ahead of me and although my mum was happy for me getting married, I remember knowing she wasn't going to be happy about this. I had no friends due to me never attending school so that meant I had no one to speak to about it. It was hard going through an unwanted pregnancy alone so after 3months I decided to tell Zayn. It wasn't easy. 6months had passed and me and Zayn went to the doctors for my monthly check-up on the baby. This was the month we were going to find out the sex of the baby. Our baby. Now, have you ever felt like there is no one else you could possible blame for something that you feel like you did before? Like no matter what you did, it was still your fault? That's how I felt when both me and Zayn walked out of the doctors on November 6th 2011. We found out that the baby was no longer alive and that in a couple of weeks I would have to deliver her. She would have been a girl and we would have called her Cherry. My life, for as I knew it, was over. Zayn said that we would get through this together and again 'no matter what happened, he loved me and I should know that'. I did know that, but I didn't feel it. I felt pain and heartbreak. I felt sad and angry. I felt me and Zayn splitting apart. Night after night he would come in late, of which I didn't blame him for. What did I do anyway? I just stayed in the kitchen all night sorting out things that we were both supposed to be sorting out together. He, at the age of 21, was just starting to live his life whilst I, at the age of 19, felt like my life was over. I had been through hell and back, maybe that's why I felt so much older? Although we both knew our relationship was the lowest it had ever been, Zayn still insisted on telling me how beautiful I was and that he loved me. It was a beautiful thing to hear but I knew he was lying. I suppose you're wondering what happened to one direction? Nothing. Louis moved to America when Zayn first got put in hospital and hadn't spoken to any of the boys since. Liam and his girlfriend moved to Poland in 2010 and only really came over for Christmas, so he didn't speak to any of the boys either. Niall slowly moved back to Ireland after all the other boys gave up and as for Harry, no-one had heard from him since, well, since forever. He kind of disappeared once he heard Liam had moved. The last time me and Zayn kissed was January 12th 2012. You might think I'm sad and pathetic for remembering the date but, it's the only thing I have to remember. In fact, I remember the whole day and the whole reason why he kissed me. It was early morning, around 8am and I was upstairs, crying as usual. Our baby would have been born in exactly one month and it felt like my whole world was crashing down again. Zayn came up stairs after sleeping on the couch and asked if I wanted him to sleep with me. He insisted on just cuddling and that we doing so would make it better. I thought nothing could ever make me feel better, even one of his hugs. Hours and hours passed and I remember waking up in Zayn's arms, in a dark room. His soft hands used to always fit perfectly into mine and the warmth of his breathe on the back of my neck was so soothing and probably what made me fall asleep. I remember not wanting to move. I remember thinking if I was to move I might break or ruin something else. I didn't want any more pain, this was too hard and I couldn't handle it. Isn't it funny how so many things change in such a short space of time? I remember thinking back to that time last year. How everything was so so different. Me and Zayn were un-separable and I didn't care about anything or anyone. I had my mum to speak to and I still had dreams of becoming something, of becoming someone. I remember lying in Zayn's arms whilst praying and crying at the same time. I just wished everything would be over. That was when Zayn looked down. His beautiful, big brown eyes looking down at me. How I remember them, I can't seem to get the image of them out of my mind. He smiled and said 'I promise everything will be ok in the end.' Again, that was Zayn, living for the moment. How I wished I could have been like him. Normally after he smiled, I would smile then we would kiss. That's how we were; we knew what to do and how to do it. For some reason, I didn't know what to do though, when Zayn said that. I just kept staring into his eyes until he finally kissed me. I hoped he would continue to kiss me and when I opened my eyes again we would be back at his house, watching him on x factor. I never really thought me and Zayn would have a last kiss.


	6. Chapter 6 End

**I won't give up:-Chapter 6**

The next day, January 13th, Zayn told me he was going. 'I think it's best if I go...' he said. I remember sitting there and just watching him pack his bags then leave. Not one little bit of me plucked up the courage to say 'stay'. Just that one word and maybe everything would be different now. I remember every single day after that. It was utter torture. I had no one, no mum, no dad, no friends, no Zayn. My life wasn't mine anymore; I wanted everything to turn out like my dreams. Birthdays passed and no-one would call or send a card. Hate was all I had left. 'I hate myself, I hate myself!' I hated myself more than anybody or anything. I came to believe that everything that happened to me or around me was my own fault because I let it go on for too long. I hated myself so much that I wished I was dead. I wanted to be strong but inside I knew I was a wimp. I totally deserved everything that happened to me. What had I become? An utter animal living on benefits and microwave meals, I was too embarrassed to even show my face at Niall's wedding. Yes, Niall got married! So did everyone else. Liam got married first though, and then it was Harry, then Louis then Niall. I was and still am so proud of them all, I don't have a clue were Zayn is though. It was sad really. How it all ended so drastically. I still remember the look on his face, when I told him I was pregnant. He was over the moon to finally become a dad. Him, the first one out of the 5 boys to become a dad, and it was me who made him feel like that! Then it was me who made him feel like a piece of him had been cut out when the baby inside of me died. Then it was me who didn't stop him from leaving the day he walked out and never looked back. It was all me, it was all my fault! I suppose I can't change anything now though. I miss them all so so much. I miss Zayn the most though, obviously. He was my first ever boyfriend. I still find it hard when I roll over in the bed to find it's not him lying next to me. Even after all this time, I have kids and I have gotten married and still it's hard. It always will be. Maybe one day it will be easier but until that day comes, I will still miss him. I mean, can you blame me? Everything I ever went through was for him. 'If I jump you jump.' I still can't believe I let him just walk out. I had no energy left though, no energy to fight, no energy to move, no energy to even speak! I don't even know how I managed to realise what I was doing in order for me to pick my life back up. I remember I hadn't moved in days, the only time I would move was for food or to the toilet. I remember it was a Tuesday though, Tuesday 23rd May. I'm glad I remember it because sometimes the kids ask for stories of my child hood or 'how did you meet my dad?' Strangely enough every time they ask, I always think of Zayn. They're not even his children but he has been in these stories more than anyone. I hope whatever he is doing now, whether he has kids of his own or if he is off being the English teacher he wished to be, I hope he remembers me. I hope I'm in his stories, I hope he points to all the pictures and says 'that's her', I just hope he knows. We loved each other, such a young age but we did. I hope that one day I'll just walk around the corner and he'll be there. Just randomly. Then the kids will finally get to meet him, the main character. We can't wait!


End file.
